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RISING WOMEN EXPERT
ADVICE...
My children whine and I don’t know how to
make them stop without getting angry myself?
If there is one behaviour that parents admit drives them mad, it’s
definitely whining. Although kids of any age can whine, it’s most common
with toddlers and preschoolers. Whining seems to increase during times when
children feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and when they anticipate impending
disappointment.
The rationale for whining is that the children want our attention, right
here and right now, and wish to manipulate the parents to get their way.
Children have a unique way of getting our attention, knowing that we “can’t”
ignore it or at least don’t know how to yet.
Nonetheless, the best way to overcome whining is by teaching and modeling to
our children how to ask for something appropriately. So getting a grip on
whining is a straightforward project that requires a great deal of parental
resolve, inner discipline and patience.
When the children are whining, the parents need to request them to speak
calmly and appropriately to be heard. They need to know that until they make
their request appropriately, their whining will be ignored. This request
needs to be assertive and gentle. If they don’t do so, which is often the
case, instead of engaging in a power struggle with them, it is advantageous
to take a break. When you walk away from the out-of-control situation, take
several deep breaths and tell yourself that you’ll be calm and assertive no
matter what.
It is important for caregivers to model this calm and firm approach. If
necessary, first regain your own composure before re-engaging your whining
children. Then come back to them saying, as positively as you can, I want to
help you but you need to stop whining and ask me in a big girl’s or big
boy’s voice for what it is that you want. Modeling appropriate speaking
style is paramount; more so than simply insisting that your children speak
to you appropriately. Children reflect in their actions far more what they
observe in their caregivers’ behaviours and much less what they are told to
do. Therefore, modeling positive actions ourselves is absolutely essential
for the children to adopt them as their own.
Tom Zaniecki, MSc, RSW is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in
a professional counselling practice. If you are interested in how his
services can help you, call 403.471.3955 or email
tomzaniecki@hotmail.com
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