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RISING WOMEN EXPERT
ADVICE...
Why won’t my man see a relationship
therapist and how can I have him join me?
Even with close friends, men will keep sadness, disappointments and other
internal conflicts to themselves. With their profound fear of appearing
weak, most men are invested in preserving their manhood and protecting their
vulnerability. They are hardwired and cultured to emphasize successful
performance and de-emphasize reliance on others. From an evolutionary
perspective, their purpose is to procure and protect, not tend and befriend.
Men experience shame more than women do. It originates from family or peer
experiences. As a small boy, if he experienced shame, he will do anything to
avoid re-experiencing it. A shamed boy becomes a hypersensitive man, always
tuned to the possibility of humiliation. He may react to slights and become
hyper-vigilant in warding them off. Instead of seeking affection, he will
project blame and rejection. Small signs of withdrawal of affection will
trigger old wounds causing him to react. Beneath the surface, dark feelings
of inadequacy and unlovability are lurking inside. You, his partner, are the
closest to him and can easily re-ignite those old wounds.
When starting the conversation about couples’ counseling, begin by talking
about yourself. He will feel less attacked, less defensive and more apt to
hear you. Tell him you’ve been contemplating therapy because you want to
take steps to be a better partner. Invite him to go see someone on a “no
obligation” basis to test the waters. He might be surprised at how
liberating and positive he feels. If the therapist is the right fit, it’s
likely that he will feel reassured and some of his objections will fade.
Stay positive in your approach. If you can look at the anticipated outcome
instead of focusing on the current negativity, the conversation will usually
be smoother. When it comes to asking him to join you in this process, avoid
using ultimatums. It can raise doubt and hopelessness: “if she is going to
leave anyway, what’s the point?” Or he may react to the control you are
exerting and rebel against you. Be clear that your intention is to create a
mutually satisfying relationship.
Include your mate in the selection process. For example, do the research
together on the web. This will help him to feel like he is part of the
decision making process. And finally, when all else fails, honour his
resistance. Appeal to his love and ask him to trust your judgment that this
endeavour will improve your connection.
Book a FREE session with Kathleen or attend an upcoming “Getting the
Love You Want” weekend. Visit
www.theloveofattraction.com for details. |
