 Letting
Go -
Understanding the Pain of Lost Relationships
By Dr. Wendy Nickerson
Dealing with the loss of a relationship is the pain that most often
brings us to our knees. When a relationship ends, we usually think that the
pain is about the relationship that just ended. What we don’t realize is
that it is truly an accumulation of pains from different types of perceived
and real relationship endings over the course of our lives. For example, in
my own life when I was eight years old, my best friend, Gail, would change
her mind and play with Sharon, instead of me. I would feel rejected and
hurt. Most people experience these feelings of rejection in childhood and
carry them over into their adult lives. They are often devastated when
someone who they are close to moves on.
If we break a relationship ending down into its smallest parts, we know that
this situation causes thoughts of hurt and rejection within our own minds.
Feelings and thoughts are merely strands of energy. For many, this is a
difficult concept to grasp because we cannot see energy vibrations. Yet, it
is easy for us to believe in radio waves, x-ray waves, and telephone
vibrations, even though we can’t really see them, either! So, in its most
refined form, the loss of a relationship is actually an energy vibration
that we carry with us throughout life. The vibrations of sadness and fear
are reignited whenever we experience any future losses in our lives.
Therefore, the pain is best relieved when it is addressed on an energy
level.
When friends, lovers and family members break up, distance themselves, or go
their separate ways, we often say it is because we are on different wave
lengths. Little do we know, how true this really is! When someone’s
frequency of vibration is similar to our own, we feel close to that person.
We resonate with them. (It is so important not to choose a partner when we
are in pain or experiencing a difficult time because we will attract like
negative frequency, which is generally not for our highest good! That’s why
we are told to heal before we move on.) We learn and grow from all of life’s
experiences. This personal development eventually causes us to think and
feel differently again, which in turn causes our frequency of vibration to
rise yet, to another level. We no longer feel connected to the person,
unless they learn and grow at the same rate and change their frequency of
vibration to match ours.
It is important to understand what is really going on when break ups occur.
By doing this you can transcend the emotional pain. You realize that the
breakup is really about a mismatch of energy and thought vibrations rather
than more ego-based reasoning such as “He doesn’t give me enough attention”,
or "She doesn’t love me anymore.” These are merely human manifestations, or
symptoms, of what has really happened. Transcending this level of
consciousness takes you out of ego and into spirit. Not only does it set you
free, it sets your partner free as well.
How do you learn to perceive a relationship breakup as a mismatch or a break
in an energy frequency connection? Do you just pretend that you do not feel
the actual pain of the loss of a relationship? No. You think of the
situation in its highest form in terms of energy connections. If everything
in this universe, including thoughts, emotions and material things can be
broken down into energy, then you need to think of the situation in its most
basic form.
Letting go is a process. This is a path of many small steps. At the
beginning of each step we learn to become aware, rather than reacting. Your
ego is going to try to prevent you from making progress since it believes
that you have to hold on in order to survive. Your only ally in letting go
is spirit, which sees reality as a whole and therefore has no need to create
partial realities based on limitation, guilt, embarrassment, and fear. A
reaction is automatic: it draws upon fixed beliefs and expectations, images
of past pain and pleasure residing in memory, waiting to guide you in future
situations. The way to get beyond this is to become aware and practice
living more from our spirits, rather than egos.
Imagine the frequencies of energy that you are attracting to you, in all
forms, when you try to own, control, manipulate, or judge another person
from your ego state. Higher levels of energy are more serene and have the
capacity to change your thought patterns for your highest good, rather than
keep you in an emotional turmoil. Picture very clear, calm, and balanced
energy entering into your essence: and that is the energy and the level of
consciousness that you will attract.
It seems that most attachment difficulties originate from difficulties in
separating from our parents. However, it has occurred to me that the real
problem has to do with the separation from a higher part of ourselves that
we were all born with. It seems that in most cases society forces us to
forget our connection with this incredible entity. Thus, we have to let go
of the greatest love of all, our connection to our creator. Some refer to it
as being disconnected from the Source, or the higher part within us. This
dynamic of being disconnected from something that we perceive to be greater
than ourselves is recreated in our lives with the natural course of
individualization or separation from our parents; and then later on, when we
are faced with the loss of a relationship. Repeatedly, the pain from the
original loss (the disconnection from the higher part within us), is
re-experienced every time the loss or disconnection vibration is triggered
in our lives. Maybe this helps to explain why the ending of a relationship
seems to cause such incredible distress for most people. To prevent ongoing
pain from repeated relationship endings, the only cure is to reconnect to,
and mend our relationship with our higher self or our creator. Some refer to
this journey as “finding yourself.”
Dr. Wendy Nickerson, Psy. D., is a Personal Life Coach, Inspirational
Speaker & author of Wild Women Never Get the Blues! How to Use Your
Intuition to Create Your Best Life. (available at Self Connection Books)
Contact Wendy at 321.591.4364 or visit
www.drwendynickerson.com |
