 Healthy
Boundaries -
Building Boundaries Through Self-Awareness
By Jan Mitchell of Expanding MindsDo you see
yourself pleasing others, while clearly compromising your values? Do you
hear yourself always saying “yes” to certain people or situations? Do you
feel you do so much for others, that you run on empty?
Many women struggle with unhealthy boundaries. As nurturers, we enjoy caring
for the important people in our lives, but with unhealthy boundaries, we
give so much away that we lose ourselves. So how do we build healthy
boundaries?
The most effective way to build healthy boundaries is through
self-awareness. You discover your negative brain programs, separate your
feelings from the information and then make firm supportive choices. By
changing your “mental programs” from negative to positive, you empower
yourself and change your behaviours. Your brain is like a computer running
the programs that make up your beliefs. These programs are made up of the
pictures you see in your mind, the thoughts you think and the feelings you
feel in your body. By changing the “poor boundaries program” to “supportive
healthy boundaries”, you automatically change your behaviour. Following are
steps to changing your program:
1) List your unhealthy boundaries? With whom do they come up? In what
situations do they surface?
2) Create an “anchor” state to keep you positive, to access new awareness
and make insightful choices. Think of a time when you felt loved or
confident. Close your eyes and associate fully into seeing, hearing and
feeling as if this experience is happening now. As you begin to feel the
good feelings wash over you, touch your heart or forehead. Release the
“anchor” when the feelings begin to lessen, re-anchor to remain positive
through the visualization.
3) Imagine seeing another “you” in front of you. This you is learning new
and positive ways of setting boundaries.
a) Imagine a plexiglass shield between you and the other
“you”. Uncomfortable feelings stay with the other you behind the shield. You
can easily see and hear through shield.
b) The other you will review past experiences, set boundaries
and make new choices. As you watch the other you, enjoy feeling pleased
because you are learning about yourself, feelings, values, choices, limits,
etc.
4) Think of a specific time when you wanted to say “no”, but said “yes”. See
the other you behind the plexiglas shield, re-enacting the situation. Notice
what you see; what the other you is saying or doing.
a) Staying fully in your “anchor” state, watch if the other
you is saying “yes” to be liked, accepted, needed, safe, not feel guilty or
gain approval. Notice the feelings, thoughts, actions, re-actions, choices,
excuses or manipulations of this other you. Did the other you want to do
this or not?
Note: Please do not judge yourself! Self-awareness teaches you self
acceptance which leads to confidence and greater success. (I used to do
things to feel safe and be liked. Now, if an old pattern comes up, I
acknowledge it by saying, “Oh, that’s just a feeling of ...” Knowing this
stops me from automatic reactions and I make positive choices.)
b) See the other person in the scenario. Become aware of
their feelings, behaviours, actions, reactions, choices, manipulations, etc.
Ask this person questions until you understand what is “really” going on for
them. Noticing what feelings are the other persons, makes room for your own
feelings. What feelings are yours?
c) Give back the other persons feelings and emotional
garbage. See that the other you can still love and respect the other person.
5) Saying “no” is enough. You don’t have to give explanations. Just say,
“No, I’m unable to,” or “No, I’m unavailable,” or “Please do not say/do
that.” Watch and listen as you hear the other you saying one of these now.
Imagine the scenario playing out. Was this a good choice? Hear the other you
say “no” in several different ways and imagine the different scenario
playing out. See the other you choose the one that works best in this
situation to create better boundaries and to use in the future. Practice
several different scenario’s that were difficult to say “no” in.
6) When this is complete, imagine that other you with all the new wisdom she
has learned, returning and integrating fully with you. Let the rest go.
Play with the process to clarify and take action on issues like setting
limits of acceptable behaviour for yourself and others. What are you gaining
by not setting limits? What needs are being met with this behaviour? What
fears are in play? Replay the scenario trying different options such as
saying, “That behaviour is not okay,” or “I’ll think about this and get back
to you.” Imagine yourself taking a break from the other person for a few
minutes to clear your mind and regain focus or leaving the room, taking a
walk, saying a prayer, closing your eyes and asking for guidance.
Imagine being accountable and making a conscious choice to say “yes” or go
along with people’s wishes.
Always keep yourself safe: If this process is difficult for you, if you are
overwhelmed by negative feelings, beliefs or behaviours, please find a
therapist to guide you to release old programs and install “empowering
programs”, with positive pictures, sounds and feelings.
Jan Mitchell, Master NLP Therapist, combines visualization, Hypnosis,
Spiritual Healing & Reiki to empower you in your personal life, career,
relationships & spirituality. 403.225.2973.
www.expanding-minds.com |
