 Women
& Communication - How to Stop Sabotaging Ourselves
By Abigail E. Joslin
A very time you communicate - through language, tone, and body language -
you are promoting yourself and shaping how you are perceived. If you want to
be taken seriously, you need to be aware of ways you may be sabotaging
yourself without realizing it. How you give instructions, feedback or
criticism, phrases that slip into daily use, how you sit or stand - they all
affect your image and professional standing. Some things in particular seem
to haunt many women.
Words: How You Say It, Matters - How can you tell whether you are sabotaging
yourself? How do you improve your overall communication? Most importantly,
know what you want to say, and be specific and concise. Communication is not
about you, it is about the person listening to you. What you think you say
may not be what they hear, so be aware of the language you use. For example,
look at these two sentences: “I’d like you to put this at the top of your
list for today,” and “Please have this on my desk by noon.” The first
example is vague and open to interpretation; it sounds like something your
manager would like you to work on, but probably does not need finished
today. The second example, by contrast, is much clearer - the other person
knows what is needed and when.
The first example also raises an interesting point: avoid overusing the
first person “I.” It is tempting to soften your words, no one wants to sound
cold or overbearing. The problem is that the word “I” changes the subject of
the sentence from the topic (in this case, the project) to you, the manager.
Also, pay attention to whether and how you hedge questions and statements.
Some common ones are, “I’m not an expert, but…” “I think this is important,”
or “I feel this is important.” Just ask the question or make the statement.
Why cut yourself down? You either know that something is important, or you
do not. You either have a question, or you do not. Focus on the issues, not
people or feelings.
Be aware of your tone and pace when you speak. A common problem is ending
sentences with a rising inflection in your voice, which introduces
uncertainty and turns a statement into a question. “Please give me a
refund,” becomes, “Please give me a refund?”
On the phone, soft, hesitant voices are hard to hear and easy to dismiss.
Try standing up and smiling while you talk. Breathe from your diaphragm, and
slow down. If it helps to have notes in front of you, use them. You can also
try recording yourself during a normal conversation, and listen to your
voice, tone and language.
A note on slang and jargon: avoid them. Slang such as, ‘like,’ or ‘you
know?’ reveals the presence of a teenager in your house. If you are in the
early stages of your career, they reveal your inexperience. Slang is a
sneaky little beast that worms its way into our language. Eradicate it.
Jargon also has a nasty habit of turning everyday speech into a secret code.
Many scientists, for example, find it difficult to explain their work to
non-scientists because they use so much jargon. A relevant topic can quickly
be reduced to strings of long words and indecipherable acronyms.
Communication is about your audience, not you.
While speaking, if you need to reflect or rephrase something, you may be
tempted to throw in a little ‘um’ or ‘ah.’ Resist the temptation. They
distract your listeners and make you look confused and less credible. A
short pause is always better.
Body Language: How You Look, Matters - Unfortunately, your words and voice
are not all you need to pay attention to: do not underestimate the
importance of body language. If your words are clear and powerful, but you
are slouching, have a flimsy handshake or have difficulty making eye
contact, you are sending mixed signals.
Fortunately, the solutions are simple. Your mother was right. Good posture
does matter. Practice sitting and standing up straight, even at your desk.
Breathe from your diaphragm, and try not to cross your arms for long; it is
a closed stance, and makes you look angry or defensive. When standing, take
a look at how you stand. Do you shift from one foot to another, or put all
of your weight on one foot? Practice standing, weight evenly distributed,
with your hands relaxed at your sides. Watch yourself in the mirror, and do
quick body checks throughout the day.
Eye contact can be difficult if you are at all shy or nervous. Two easy
tricks help. First, start by pretending you are doing a survey of the eye
colors in the room. It gives you a few seconds of initial eye contact. After
that, in conversation, look at the spot right between the eyes - the person
you are talking to will not be able to tell that you are not looking them in
the eye.
As for handshakes, practice them. Keep them brief and firm. Make eye contact
(or fake it) and smile. Say whatever seems appropriate, such as, “It’s a
pleasure to meet you…”
Final Note: Very few people are born outstanding communicators; it is a
skill, like any other. It may be more difficult for some to develop than
others. It does take work and practice. But it is not impossible.
Abigail E. Joslin is a full-time freelance writer & consultant in Boston,
Massachusetts. Contact 617.957.1149 or email her at
abby@abigailjoslin.com
Abigail also invites you to visit her website at
www.abigailjoslin.com
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