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RISING WOMEN EXPERT
ADVICE...
Why are closing exits (including affairs)
necessary for intimacy and connection? How do I begin to close my exits?
Although we all want love in our life, we are afraid to really let love in
and be in love. Couples will co-create a pattern in their lives where
intimacy is virtually impossible. In order to maintain distance in
relationship, we create exits.
What do I mean by exits and why do we create them? Basically, exits are a
way to act our feelings rather than discussing them. For example, it is
easier to stay late at work than to tell your partner that you feel unhappy
when you walk in the door. This is understandable. Staying late is a simpler
way to avoid the pain rather than talking about it.
There are many different types of exits that we create. Some are terminal to
the relationship - divorce, suicide, and murder. Others are catastrophic
like affairs and addictions. These are misguided attempts in trying to find
one’s aliveness and can cause more pain, shame and betrayal. Affairs are the
result of an existing rupture of connection and when openly discussed, there
is hope for the relationship.
More elusive are functional exits that are hidden in normal behaviours. None
of these are harmful per se, unless we are using them to avoid closeness in
our relationship. Some of these exits are work, hobbies, family, eating, the
children, TV, gym, shopping, friends, cleaning, and the computer. An
“invisible divorce” takes place when these exits are active. All the energy
for the relationship is diluted to other objects of desire and/or
activities. These exits need to be talked about and gradually closed to
restore the fullness of connection.
Sometimes it is hard to see the ways in which we exit, especially, if we are
the one that tends to pursue and seek connection. You may say to yourself,
“I am the one that always wants to connect. I don’t exit our relationship.”
If you are unsure how you exit your relationship, just ask your partner. He
or she will have experienced your EXIT and may have already been telling
you. Therefore, become curious and check in with yourself. What am I doing?
Am I doing this to avoid intimacy and connection with my partner? If so,
what is the reason?
Becoming conscious and verbalizing these feelings rather than acting them
out is a great way to create emotional safety, transform your relationship
and re-ignite your passion for each other!
Kathleen Cowan is a certified Imago Relationship therapist. Book a
FREE session with Kathleen or attend an upcoming “Getting the Love You Want”
weekend. For details, visit
www.theloveofattraction.com |
