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RISING WOMEN EXPERT
ADVICE...
I have ended a very
stormy marriage and can’t stop feeling overwhelmed by resentment. For our
kid’s sake, can you help me deal with this?
This I have ended a very stormy marriage and can’t stop feeling overwhelmed
by resentment. For our kid’s sake, can you help me deal with this?
Dealing with resentment is very challenging because it is based on actions
that took place in the past that cannot be erased. What you need to do is
forgive. This is your only hope for gaining closure. Being able to forgive
takes a great deal of grace and maturity. The important thing to remember is
that working toward forgiveness is a positive act not only for the sake of
your children, but for your own emotional, spiritual and physical
well-being.
Look closely at your own reactions. When another person’s actions hurt us,
it’s usually because they have touched a sensitive nerve, such as an anxiety
or hurt within our “self”. A normal reaction is to become defensive, and
yes, we do overreact. It’s a natural human response. By trying to evaluate
the other person’s motivations, you may find that you were not the target at
all, but simply caught in the backlash of the other person’s negative
feelings. If you can understand why you or your ex did or said something,
you can more readily accept and release the bad feelings which were
triggered within you.
If there are specific issues that are eating you -- those that are the
barrier between whether you and your ex can continue a relationship in a
civilized manner -- confront them now. By addressing these issues, while the
fires hot and in a spirit of honesty and acceptance, you have a promising
chance to resolve the conflict and at the same time strengthen what’s left
of the relationship.
If you feel that confrontation is either impractical or unwise, find other
ways to release your bitterness. And be assured, by not taking direct action
toward the problem does not mean you are a victim. You have made the choice
and have taken control by deciding to let the issue go (some things are just
better left alone). But please don’t ignore your feelings! Ventilate them
through positive action. By transferring your energy into more important
thoughts and activities, your focus on those negative and destructive
feelings will fade. Now is the time to pursue what you have always wanted to
do, with no boundaries!
Your feelings of resentment won’t go away unless you take positive steps to
facilitate the process of forgiveness. Talk with a close friend or a
counsellor to help you ventilate your feelings and get a fresh perspective
on the experience.
For more professional advice or to have your personal questions
answered by a local Expert, please email your questions to
experts@risingwomen.com
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