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RISING WOMEN EXPERT
ADVICE...
What is the leading
cause of conflict in relationships?
In romantic love, couples speak an “emotional language” that reinforces the
belief that they are loved and cared about. Unfortunately, what follows this
blissful period is the inevitable second stage of relationship, also known
as the power struggle. The “love hormones” are worn off and partners find
themselves becoming less empathic and more focused on themselves and their
unmet needs rather than their partners’ needs. They become less engaged,
less reliable and less emotionally present for one another. This creates a
“disconnect” and many individuals perceive a sense of betrayal and loss of
love. As a result, a distress signal is interpreted by the brain, resulting
in an alarming message of “primal panic” -- “You are not there for me, and I
can’t count on you.” Because we are mammals and connection is our primary
need for survival, instinctive “fight, flight, freeze, or hide” reactions
are activated in an attempt to restore the connection that is so necessary
for our existence.
In addition, what is often misunderstood and underestimated in most
couplehoods is that the hypersensitivities and vulnerabilities we experience
often originate from wounding relationships with significant people in our
past. When our partner neglects our need to be heard and seen, or dismisses
our plea for connection, it can open up those old wounds. Suddenly, the
emotional pain is triggered, and we jump into strategies that are counter
intuitive to re-establish the connection. Clinging, stonewalling,
withdrawing, defending, nagging, hiding, criticizing and blaming are ways in
which we protest the disconnection. The result, however, is even more
disconnection. Nevertheless, there is hope.
Learning new ways to communicate can restore the connection. By sharing
personal needs, wishes, desires and fears in a calm respectful conversation,
the love hormones can return to ignite a feeling of safety. Learning to
become emotionally present to one another can often allow those old
vulnerabilities and sensitivities to be healed. When a safe environment is
created, differences fall away and couples can easily explore the outer
world and return home to share their experience. Becoming dependent on one
another for emotional connection can deepen the intimacy and re-ignite the
passion. Even the joy of sex can return.
Kathleen Cowan is a certified Imago Relationship therapist that works
with couples & individuals. Book a FREE session with Kathleen or attend an
upcoming “Getting the Love You Want” weekend. Visit
www.theloveofattraction.com for details. |
