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RISING WOMEN EXPERT
ADVICE...
My mother-in-law’s recent visit was difficult because she seems so
critical. I love her son, and she’s good with my children, but how do I deal
with her superior attitude?
Traditionally, mothers-in-law are challenging. Your husband, in the middle,
needs to support you. Tell him you will talk with his mother. If he says,
“No, I’ll tell her,” assure him you’ll be tactful and mature.
However, your words “seems so critical” imply your mother-in-law is not
saying things directly, but through body language. When you are ready, share
a cup of tea while talking caringly. Tell her you are fearful she doesn’t
accept you. She will likely strive to re-assure you. If she doesn’t, share
your experience of a previous incident, explaining how you hoped she would
respond. She will understand and respect you more.
If your mother-in-law gives unwanted advice, ask her to wait until you ask.
Explain you need time to figure out solutions -- often her generation
believes they know best how to be a “good wife and mother”. This may differ
from your beliefs. Later, approach her about a relatively unimportant issue.
Present the situation and your ideas when seeking her opinion. If you follow
her advice and later share the results, your relationship will bloom. Even
if her suggestion doesn’t work, she will know you sincerely tried. This will
build trust between you, leading to easier sharing of other problems.
Parents need all the help they can get. You, your husband and his mother can
all learn, no matter what age. Your mother-in-law could become a close
friend. Relax, center, and meet her lovingly. You are a family.
The function of a family is to provide a balance of discipline and
nurturance, so that all grow to become contented mature people. Too much
discipline and not enough nurturance create a victim. Too much nurturance
and not enough discipline create a tyrant. When a couple marries, they
provide discipline and nurturance to help each other grow. When in-laws
enter, sources of discipline and nurturance expand. Your mother-in-law’s
critical judgement is discipline, so accept and learn from it. If there’s
not enough nurturance from her, tell her you feel unloved. Most
mothers-in-law also want to feel loved, so will change when challenged.
Have courage. Create happy memories to balance criticism. This is your
chance to grow, and grow together.
Sharon Montgomery, author of Your Invisible Bodies, is a former
teacher & guidance counsellor. Share your in-law stories! Visit blog
www.sharonmontgomery.wordpress.com
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