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I’ve lost myself! How can I stop trying to be who everyone else wants me
to be?
By Jan Mitchell of Expanding Minds Trying to be who everyone
wants you to be is a common problem. People suffering from this difficulty
often do not know who they are. They lose their true selves in relationships
and live their lives trying to please others or trying to do everything for
others. They do little for themselves. They fear others will not like the
real them. Although each person is unique, problems like this can begin in
childhood where the caregivers (parents, guardians, etc.) were emotionally
or physically unavailable and were unable to give their time or loving
attention. In this scenario, the caregivers might have been too busy, sick,
away from home, had addictions, been unhappy themselves or disappointed in
their own relationships.
Imagine a child who grew up in a home where her mother was unhappy in her
relationship. Frustrated, the mother often scolded or yelled at the girl for
any reason or for no reason at all, and with no explanation. The little girl
thought that it was her fault that her mom was unhappy and decided that she
must be at fault. She tried very hard to be a “good girl” and please her
mom. From this thought pattern, and as she grew up, the girl felt that she
wasn’t good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. She was afraid that
people wouldn’t like her so she did her best to please them. She tried hard
in her relationships to be what [she thought] her partner wanted her to be.
This “fear” led her to hide her own personality. Her fear would surface when
she needed support. Before she even asked, she felt she was always asking
for a “huge” favour. In her minds eye, she saw herself as small and
powerless. She imagined the other person as large and powerful as they said
“No!” She felt hurt and rejected just thinking of it and therefore would
never ask. Are any of these patterns familiar to you?
To change old patterns, think of several people who are like what you want
to be like. Write five qualities that each one has and circle the more
attractive ones. Write a detailed visualization of how you want to be with
these qualities. Imagine yourself in different scenarios with various
people; seeing, hearing and feeling yourself calm, confident, empowered,
smart and attractive. Hear yourself talking to others. Add more choices in
behaviours and clear decision making skills. Practice daily, imagining
yourself using these qualities like the others do, but in your own unique
way.
For more advice on changing old habits, contact Jan Mitchell, Master
NLP Counselor, Reiki Master of Expanding Minds at 403.225.2973 or visit her
website at
www.expanding-minds.com |
