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 Breaking
Away
- Are You Codependent with Your Career?
By Jo-Ann Svensson of the ARC Institute
Anne runs her own retail business. On days when sales are good, she feels
alive and filled with possibility. On days when sales are down, she feels
depressed and a failure. Darlene is a doctor. Darlene works seven days a
week, feeling she must be available to her patients at all times to be a
success. Sarah is a lawyer. She introduces herself as such even at casual
social gatherings. Although these three women may have other things going on
for them, there is one common denominator: they all deeply identify with
their profession or career. So deep, in fact, one could say they are
codependent with their work.
For many years, codependence was used to describe the dysfunctional coping
strategies used by family members of alcoholics. The stereotypic codependent,
according to this perspective, took responsibility for the alcoholic spouse,
parent or sibling while neglecting their own needs and wants and repressing
internal feelings of anger and despair. Underlying this self sacrifice was
the idea that if only they could love or support their loved one enough,
their alcoholic family member would be healed. What therapists eventually
found, however, is that while a family with a substance abusing member was
ideal for codependence to manifest, it by no means held the roots of this
condition. Codependence is the consequence of a child growing up in an
environment that does not honour them as unique and valuable individuals.
The child is ultimately taught to look outside themselves for happiness and
fulfilment. The result, among other symptoms, is an adult with a decreased
sense of identity and confusion regarding emotional and physical boundaries.
Charles Whitfield, the author of Codependence: Healing the Human Condition,
calls it a “disease of loss self-hood”. Moreover, he states that
codependence need not be just about two people relating. It can be about how
we relate to our business, our education or our bank account. If we place
more value in these external things than we do in our self, we are in a
codependent relationship.
In her book, Facing Codependence, Pia Mellody describes five symptoms that
form its core: 1) self-esteem issues; 2) difficulties in setting functional
boundaries; 3) difficulty in owning and expressing one’s own reality; 4)
difficulty in taking care of one’s adult needs and wants; and 5) difficulty
experiencing and expressing one’s reality moderately. Let’s take a look at
these five symptoms and see how they can relate to us and our career.
Self-esteem - Codependents have difficulty feeling appropriate levels of
self-esteem. What self-esteem they possess is generally derived from
another. A typical example of this is the spouse who lives vicariously
through their partner’s successes and failures. Is your self-esteem
dependent on how your career or business is doing at any particular moment?
Can you be objective about your own attributes while your business
experiences an economic slump? Do you feel great only when you have lots of
clients or money rolling in?
Setting Functional Boundaries - Boundaries are necessary in that they
protect us from being taken advantage of, stop us from taking advantage of
others and give us a sense of who we are. When we are codependent with our
professional life, we lose sense that we are a human being rather than a
human “doing”. When we identify with our work, we don’t take time for
ourselves, leaving us open to stress and burnout. We take calls after hours
and prioritize our client’s well-being over our own. Functional boundaries
allow us to take full weekends off and work-free vacations. We don’t demand
that our employees or ourselves work beyond what’s acceptable.
Owning and Expressing One’s Own Reality - Codependents have difficulty
knowing how they feel, think or even what they look like. They look to
others to guide them in how to behave, what to say, and how to feel. When
codependent with one’s work, we let our profession guide us as human beings
- we prioritize the work persona over our humanity. A court judge, for
example, may be esteemed for her objective stance, but cannot tell her
husband how she truly feels about life. A fashion director of a magazine may
only wear what the current styles dictate, eschewing personal taste and
comfort.
Taking Care of Adult Needs and Wants - Codependents usually come from a
childhood where their needs such as safety, nutrition or affection were less
than adequate or where their needs and wants were regularly confused. For
example, the child that cries out in fear, sadness or hunger and receives a
cookie to calm him or her down, will not understand the difference in what
they need to survive (safety, affection and nutrition) and their desires (a
sugary treat). They won’t know how to ask for what they need, nor be able to
set limitations on their wants. Being codependent with one’s career may
result in the earlier example of Darlene. She confused her wants of being a
success with her needs of having adequate time off. This resulted in a seven
day work week.
Experiencing and Expressing Reality Moderately - Mellody states that “not
knowing how to be moderate is possibly the most visible symptom of
codependence.” For example, do you immediately fear bankruptcy after a day
of poor sales or do you rush out and buy a car after a few weeks of good
business? Do you view your career in black and white terms or can you
appreciate the ebbs and flows of life as it manifests in your work?
Whitfield states that codependence is at the root of all addictions
(including workaholism) and other chronic issues that bedevil our health.
Although at times it may seem pertinent to put 110% into your career, it
must be balanced with personal time. When the giving continually outweighs
the receiving, we are potentially in a codependent relationship.
Codependence is never healthy and may even prevent us from actualizing our
dreams. The questions above can help clarify how we relate to our career but
the most important thing to ask is the following: “Am I living a fulfilled
and satisfying life or am I just making do with a fulfilling and satisfying
career?”
Jo-Ann Svensson is an ARC Bodywork Therapist. The ARC Institute is a
school of consciousness. Call 403.220.9560 for more information on ARC
workshops, presentations & therapeutic sessions in Calgary.
www.thearcinstitute.com |
