 What Evey Woman Needs To Know... About Hockey!
By Ken Vandean: Hockey Fan - Sept/Oct 2004 To CBA (Collective Bargaining Agreement) or not
to CBA, that is the question...hockey could be the greatest sport, and this could be the
greatest article, if I just didn’t have to talk about this particular hockey reality.
You see, the NHL (National Hockey League) is popular with men. Men
spend money to watch hockey. Some stay at home and buy all the beers and nachos they see
advertised during hockey games. Fans are happy, bars are happy, TV execs are happy, but
boys will be boys. However, somebody wants a bigger piece of the pie...
That’s where Commissioner of the NHL (Gary Bettman, paid by the
owners of the teams) and Executive Director of the NHLPA (NHL Player’s Association -
Bob Goodenow, paid by the hockey players) come in. Just as players can carve the ice,
these two men will carve eight pieces out of a hexagon. If hockey has a late start this
season then these men must still be sharpening their knives. In the end, expect to see a
corresponding slice out of your mate’s wallet. Meanwhile, this might be the perfect
time for you ladies to bring up that ballroom dancing idea.
Lord Stanley and His Cup - And now for the good stuff. The Stanley Cup
is the oldest professional trophy in North America, donated by Lord Frederick Arthur
Stanley (then Earl of Preston and Governor General of Canada) in 1892. Originally named
the “Dominion (as in Canada) Hockey Challenge Cup”, this bowl was 7 ½”
high by 11 ½” across. The trophy you see today is larger for the extra bands needed
to display all the names of the players so fortunate to drink from hockey’s Holy
Grail. The price of the cup in 1892: $50...stories: priceless.
The NHL didn’t even form until the early 1900’s, nor take
full ownership of the cup until 1926. In the heydays, the NHL was Montreal, Toronto,
Chicago, Boston, Detroit and New York, known as the original six (and if you can name the
teams, pour yourself a glass of wine...Stumped? Refer to end of article).
Today interest in hockey is worldwide. As this article is being
written, the World Cup of Hockey is underway, and includes teams from the eastern bloc. By
the way, that would be Russia, not Quebec.
The Game of Hockey! - It’s fast, it’s skill, it’s
physical, it’s strategy and most of all, it’s teamwork. As you watch a game,
realize it’s not just about scoring goals (putting a 3.5” black biscuit called a
puck into a 4’ x 6’ net enclosure), but of controlling the ice (a 200’ by
85’ playing surface, divided by a series of lines for rules). The coach must utilize
the strength of his 20 players (typically consisted 12 forwards - centers, left and right
wingers - 6 defensemen and 2 goalies) for the whole game (60 minutes broken down into 3
periods of twenty minutes each, with overtime played if the game is tied).
Here is some hockey terminology you can try your next visit to a sports
bar:
•One-timer: the player receiving the pass winds up and shoots the
puck while it is still in motion.
•Drop pass: the puck carrier leaves the puck behind for a
following team mate, often drawing defenders with him.
•Garbage goal: the puck bounces off the player’s head or
other anatomy into the net. See dictionary under Peplinski.
•The 5-hole: apart from the 4 corners of the net, the scorer will
aim and shoot between the goalie’s legs.
•The Butterfly: I could make $5 million as a goalie if I could
learn to do the splits to make this save.
Infractions, Penalties, Misconduct and Jail - The Zebras (two referees
and two linesmen in stripped uniforms) have the dubious task of controlling the game.
Off-ice officials would include goal judges, video replay judges and somewhere in New
York, a
“slap-the-coach-on-the-hand-when-he-says-something-the-NHL-commissioner-doesn’t-like”
judge. Zebras will blow their whistles for a variety of reasons, such as the puck going
over the boards, the net being knocked off it’s mooring, or octopuses on the ice.
Whistles are an opportunity for the players to jockey around much like commercial breaks
to get beer and nachos.
Sometimes players do things against the rules and the Zebras will call
“penalties”. This is more fun. The offending (bad) player has to go into a box
for two or more minutes. One may think that the object is to see how many times the player
can say the f* word on the way to the box. This, along with other nasty behavior, may
result in “misconduct” and the player is required to leave the game. Sometimes a
player will go out of control and this results in “court” (hence Todd Bertuzzi).
Now back to the sports bar lingo:
•Offside: a player on the attacking team crosses the line before
his puck-carrying teammate enters the zone.
•Icing: the defending team shoots the puck the length of the ice,
without the puck contacting another player. This is allowed when his team is killing a
penalty.
•Hooking: a player uses his stick to bring down an opposing
player.
•High-Sticking: when a player raises his stick above shoulder
level and play is impeded, the call will depend on the infraction.
•Charging: taking more than three strides before body checking an
opponent.
•Powerplay: enjoying a man advantage while a member of the
opposing team serves his time in the penalty box. Misconduct does not result in a man
advantage.
Bringing It Home, Skill, Grit and Respect - Not surprisingly, players
don’t always agree with the Zebra’s call, or more likely, what they don’t
call. Each team will have an enforcer (i.e. Chris Simon of the Flames), to ensure
liberties are not taken. This grit is just as important to a team’s success as skill.
Hockey players have their own ‘code of conduct’ that is outside the rule book,
and this contributes to the physical part of the game. A hockey game without fisticuffs is
like apple pie without cinnamon. It’s good, but you know something is missing.
The most valuable players in hockey are the ones that combine this grit
with skill. The Flames are fortunate to have one such star. Jarome Iginla is accustom to
collecting what is known as a “Gordie Howe hat trick”, being a goal, an assist
and a fighting penalty. So please Gary and Bob, a little less grit, let’s see some
skill. I don’t want to do ballroom dancing this winter!
Answer to skill testing question: Montreal Canadiens, Toronto Maple
Leaf, Chicago Black Hawks, Boston Bruins, Detroit Red Wings and New York Rangers. Oh, and
then the tradition of throwing octopuses onto the ice surface originated in Detroit, with
the eight tentacles representing the eight wins needed to win the Cup.
Ken Vandean is a working professional with a heart in hockey. He prides
himself on helping his wife Laurie (in the picture), daughter & even neighbour,
understand the finer points of Canada’s national game. He says, “If women
understand hockey maybe they’ll understand men. Now excuse me while I watch Y&R
(Young & Restless).” |
