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| Parenting |
 Yelling - Strategies to take it Down a NotchBy Marilyn Suttle of suttleonline.net Why do parents yell? It’s partly to get the kids’ attention. It’s also a way to express frustration. Does yelling work? Well…it’s not the most useful parenting technique. Some parents train their kids to pay attention only when their voice is raised. Mom says, “Joanne, come here.” Joanne ignores her. Mom raises her voice, “Joanne, did you hear me? Come over here.” Again, Joanne fails to respond. Mom’s face turns red as she bellows, “Joanne Marie Stevens get over here NOW!” Joanne has long since learned that she faces no consequences for ignoring her mom until she yells. Yelling can become such a habit that your family doesn’t even register it as unusual. If you want to take the volume down a notch, consider applying these six strategies: 1) Plan ahead for anger. Do you ever get angry with your kids? Of course you do. So, don’t be shocked when it happens - be ready. Decide ahead of time what helpful parenting skills you will apply when the kids have you on edge. By planning ahead, you can replace ineffective yelling with a positive action. 2) If you are going to yell, do no damage. You won’t do damage if you replace hurtful words with words worth hearing. Do not attack your child’s character. Instead, yell out helpful information. For example, replace “You left the milk out, you thoughtless brat!” with “Milk spoils when it’s left out!” Yell what needs to be done, “The dog needs to be fed!” Yell about your feelings, “I have no patience right now!” 3) Lighten up. Kids aren’t designed to be perfect. Adding a little humour to a tense situation can lighten up the mood and set kids back on track. I remember walking into my kids’ bedroom. They were supposed to be making their beds, but instead they were playing. At that moment I had a choice. I could become angry or try a different approach. I put my hands on my hips and said, “Yell. Yell. Yell.” The kids asked, “What are you doing mom?” I said, “I’m yelling at you to make your beds.” We all laughed. The mood lightened and they got to work. 4) Yelling has undesirable consequences. When you’re feeling frustrated, yelling can be a release, easing up pressure for the moment. The problem is, hostility follows when yelling doesn’t get the results you expect. Kids don’t respond well to yelling. Some develop feelings of worthlessness. Others become defiant, wanting to match your model of power through intimidation. Most kids just tune it out. The only time yelling seems helpful is when it’s used so rarely its impact is a surprise and therefore gets their attention. 5) Look in the mirror when you yell. This is the quickest way I know to nip yelling in the bud. You might laugh. You might cry. Either way, seeing yourself the way your kids see you can be a helpful wake-up call. 6) Take a time out. Did you ever have one of those days where everything seems to go wrong? Accumulated frustrations have a way of spilling out in the wrong places. When you feel like yelling, take a time out to recharge your batteries. When my kids were in elementary school, I had a severe case of laryngitis. For four long days my voice was completely gone. When the kids misbehaved, I couldn’t yell. I couldn’t even whisper. I could only write little notes to guide them back on course. I don’t know if it was out of compassion or appreciation for the quiet, but my boys were more loving and cooperative than usual during that time. It was an eye-opening experience. Marilyn Suttle is a professional speaker & columnist who specializes in helping people acquire communication skills at home and at work. Contact Marilyn at Marilyn@SuttleOnline.net or visit www.SuttleOnline.net |