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| Parenting |
 Superhero or SuperMOMBy Debi Stagg Mommy, don’t you like playing with me?” Wow. It was one of those show-stopping questions that kind of sets you on your butt. I looked at my boy and blurted out some off-the-cuff lame answer like, “Well, of course I like playing with you, honey. Why would you think such a thing?” The answer sounded so superficial to me, and it was obvious my five-year-old knew that too. He just gave me that ‘yeah, whatever’ look, and went back to playing by himself. Suddenly the waves of guilt washed over me. Not only did I demean his question to cover myself, I knew it was true. I don’t like playing his games. I’m tired of Superheroes that never seem to win, or rescues where there is no possible way of getting saved. I don’t have the imagination to turn Lego into spaceships and cardboard tubes into Lightsabers. I don’t have the attention to learn the intricacies of his games; who’s the good guy and who’s the bad, what their super powers are, and the whole dialogue that takes place in his head. I’m not a good playmate, period. When I do break down and play with him, I either try to control the game to something I prefer (“Let’s play a board game instead of blowing-up aliens...”), or look for the first excuse to leave the game (“Look at the time! I have to take out the trash...”) In fact, I can’t remember the last time I even pretended to play. I always find something more pressing to do like the laundry, dishes, or scrubbing toilets. Obviously, my boy is seeking attention. Obviously, I am failing to give it in the one way that is the most important to him. We are at a stalemate. He wants me to be his playmate, and I don’t want to. It is ridiculous to think that I could make a five-year-old see my point of view with the issue. He equates play to love, although, from how I look at it, that is far from true. It is hard for adults to remember that playing is the most important thing to children. It is though play that they build trust, security to express, and friendship. These are all things we take for granted that they have already established with us, their parents. Plus, we assume that this connection with our children will never be broken. We forget that for anything to be learned, we must provide the platform. If we don’t provide books they can’t learn to read. If we don’t provide playtime, they can’t learn to bond with us in that unique way. As adults, we can see past this one activity for opportunities to confirm our love. We make their special meal and that says, “I love you.” We paint their room their special colour and that says, “I love you.” We spend the time to pick the best school for them and that says, “I love you.” But children are too small to understand this. Playtime is the only opportunity a child has to affirm their love for us, and the best way for them to confirm our love for them. So, the solution to my dilemma lies with me. I have to learn to play, and enjoy it. It is essential to our relationship as mother and son. Unfortunately, it is a connection I have already damaged. But it can be repaired; I just need to figure out how to make it enjoyable for both of us. Children are very perceptive; he will know if I try to fake it. Still, it would be unfair to him if I am the one only choosing the method in which we spend our playtime. The answer is to play his games and add things I like, without diminishing his creativity. If he wants to play Superheroes, maybe I can be ‘Super Mom’ who wields my toilet brush and dish liquid to vaporize bad guys. Or maybe, I can make the Superheroes some tea and cookies as a victory meal. Perhaps another solution is to introduce a new form of play like collecting, something special we can do together that isn’t so alien to an adult. Hey, we can even collect Superheroes and comic books! The thing to remember is that nothing says love to a child more then the chance to laugh, create, imagine, and even act silly. Especially when they do it with mom and dad. Written by Debi Stagg, stay-at-home mom, mother to Donovan & Kyle, loving wife to Terry, dear sister to four other siblings & friend to all. Debi may be reached by email at staggcan@telusplanet.net |