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RISING WOMEN EXPERT
ADVICE...
Moving
On - New Beginnings at the End of a Relationship
When relationships fail - and a staggering
45% to 50% of all first marriages do fail - often the only hand that reaches out to help
the partners in this challenging and difficult time is the hand of
their lawyer.
Of course, legal resolution is a necessary and important part of ending
a marriage. However, the emotional recovery process is just as necessary and important.
Unfortunately, there is not nearly enough information and support available to help
individuals from the time the relationship ends, where the emotional content is high,
through to the resolution process.
This unavailability of information and support is not surprising
because, as a society, we’re taught to acquire and to build. Get a job. Get married.
We are not taught to let go.
Ending a marriage, or any committed relationship, initiates a change
process. Change means loss, and loss means grieving in order to let go and move on. Ready
or not, like it or not, the ex-partners find themselves in an unfamiliar emotional process
that nothing had prepared them for.
Although their lawyers adeptly handle the legal process, the emotional
resolution process cannot possibly be completely handled by signing a few legal documents.
Emotional resolution does not occur just because the papers are signed, and yet a part of
everyone involved wishes it were so. If steps to create emotional resolution are not taken
in conjunction with the legal process, the emotional fallout will always be in the
background (and sometimes the foreground) at every meeting.
What does their lawyer and others who support them need to know about
the healing process? First, understand it is a process and, like any process, it has a
beginning, middle, and end. Everyone moving on through separation and divorce will go
through the following stages of the letting go or grieving process.
Denial, the ‘it’s not really happening’ stage, is the
first phase in the process. Then the stages of anger, sadness, and, at last the stage that
brings emotional relief, letting go. Finally, comes acceptance or the ‘it’s
over’ stage. Although these stages are predictable, they do not occur in a tidy
linear progression.
Recognition of the stages sure to be experienced in the normal process
of emotional resolution and closure allows individuals to identify where they are now,
what is happening to them emotionally, and what they can do to help themselves gain peace
of mind. This knowledge, and application of this knowledge, can only help during the legal
process. Eventually, the individual accepts and comes to terms with the ending, and begins
to focus on his or her life ahead, giving up all hope of a ‘better past’.
Studies show that support is as important as understanding in making a
healthy adjustment. A recent study conducted by the Department of Psychology at the
University of Calgary on ‘Moving On’ program, showed that graduates of a
six-week education/support program displayed significant improvement in resiliency
factors. In other words, they bounced back better.
Participants also reported tangible comfort and confidence in
understanding their own process. They adamantly reported that they had learned how to help
themselves move on, and that they are better prepared to make good decisions in all areas
- legal, financial, parenting, etc. - about their future.
The process of letting go is not a linear one. It doesn’t happen
in neat, sequential stages. At times, it’s chaotic and overwhelming, a ‘tumble
dryer’ of thoughts and feelings. Rarely are the ex-partners at the same stage at the
same time.
The length of this healing process will be different from one person to
another, depending on the individual and the depth of the loss. Understanding the stages
of letting go and receiving support during the process will speed up the healing
significantly, and minimize any further suffering caused by the resolution process itself.
Receiving the right legal help in the beginning of the process, coupled
with receiving the right emotional support, is a winning combination in a difficult
situation.
Kerry Parsons, president of Rebuilding International, is the
developer of Moving On…When Your Relationship Ends, a workshop for men & women in
the process of separation & divorce. Visit www.rebuildingcanada.com
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