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| Parenting |
 Parenting
Skills - Listening to Truly UnderstandBy Andrea Andersen & Nina Wasilenkoff - Mar/Apr 04 In the 1940s, the term ‘teenager’ was coined to identify the developmental age between 13 and 20. Now, sixty years later, there is a need to give credit to another unique time of life - the ‘tweens’. This is the time between childhood and the teen years (approximately 9 - 12 years of age). Over the last few decades, this age group has changed a great deal. We often hear the comment, “These kids are growing up faster these days.” In a sense this is true. Physically, there is little difference between a 10 year old of the ‘70s and the 2000 generation. However, the information and, unfortunately, the misinformation the tweens currently possess are far greater than many of their adult counterparts know. In addition, the media feeds our children images and messages that have forced them to interact and attempt to understand concepts far beyond what a parent would expect. We, as parents, must keep in mind that simply because they possess this knowledge does not mean that they have the ability to understand it enough to make their own decisions. Listening to understand is an invaluable skill to learn as a caregiver. As adults, we often think that our teenagers, and now our tweens, don’t want to talk. In fact, however, they do want someone with whom to share ideas and get more information from, but adults tend not to be patient or compassionate to the plight of the adolescent. The greatest fear a teen has is that he or she will not be heard or understood. If parents can learn to turn off the judge and jury and really listen, the lines of communication between parent and child will remain open and the relationship will remain strong - even through the dreaded teen years. Aristotle, the Greek philosopher, pointed out hundreds of years ago that we are what we repeatedly do. In today’s frantic world of living and working, we rush through the day without taking quality time to share our thoughts, ideas and achievements with our families. We send mixed messages; not only do we not share the difficulties we face, but we expect our children to take the time and tell us the truth about their lives. Often, any time they do open up, an attack follows along with our judgmental solutions before they even finish sharing their dilemma. What in this sequence of events would encourage a person to initiate a discussion or seek empathy? Too often we rob our children of learning from their experiences because our judgemental responses shut them down for exploring possibilities and solutions. Many of us have been trained in our jobs to be empathic listeners - it is a basic requirement for most positions where you are asked to deal with people. Yet, we have a difficult time transferring this skill to our home. Here are some suggestions to improve interactions between a parent and a teen or tween: 1) Do not ignore your child’s moodiness - offer the opportunity to talk. 2) If he or she is struggling to communicate the problem, repeat what he or she has said or ask questions carefully. 3) Look at your child and listen with genuine interest. Be patient, and listen to understand the entire story. 4) Monitor your own body language, your choice of words and especially your response. Use phrases such as “Can you help me understand why ________?” or “Was there a particular reason why _____?” and “Is there anything else I should know?” 5) Determine what the problem is. Is this really the problem or a symptom of something greater? Brainstorm solutions together and choose one that your child and you feel is best. Create an action plan and follow through with it. 6) No matter how difficult the situation is, ensure that your child knows that you love him or her. The true parenting challenge is to find the time and place where relationships can be strengthened by getting to know one another. Often we feel like our adolescent has become a stranger because we do not recognize the behaviours they exhibit. If this is the case for you, it is time to make some changes in the way you speak and the way you listen in your home. Once you learn to listen to understand you will experience a whole new relationship with your family members. Andrea and Nina are parents & educators who are passionate about making a difference in children’s lives & are committed to helping parents. They may be contacted at andrea_andersen@shaw.ca |