 Teenagers - 12 Things You Should
Never Say
By Nigel Lane of teen coach.org
When I was your age… Actually it doesn’t matter what
you say when you get to that point in the sentence, because the young person has already
switched off and isn’t listening. In fact, if you have been on the advanced training
course on understanding teenagers, you will be able to read the LCD screen inside their
forehead. It will be stating clearly, “yeah right, whatever.”
Seriously though, you probably were never their age. Well,
chronologically and numerically you were, but when you were their age the world was a
totally different place. Research has shown that there are three main things missing from
society today that were readily available when I was a teenager, and those deficits make
the world a different place.
2. Sticks and stones may break… Put another way, don’t worry
about what other people say to you, or say about you, because it doesn’t matter. Now
I realize that we shouldn’t get our sense of worth from other people’s opinions.
I also realize that if we are being picked on at school, or wherever, we should learn to
rise above it and find coping mechanisms. So, your intention is probably sound. It just
comes across as, “Ignore them”, “Don’t be so soft”, “Rise
above it”, or as Australians are fond of saying “get over it.”
3. I will do that for you... Part of the process of adolescence
involves growing up into responsibilities that previously were undertaken by our parent.
Incidentally, I blame my mother for not being able to iron; she never taught me. Now, I
realize I could learn, but it is easier to learn when you are younger. Well, that’s
my excuse!
4. For goodness sake, pull yourself together… The teenage years
are a time of intense and fluctuating emotions, often at the mercy of hormonal change.
They may feel from time to time that nobody is in control and that no one understands. If
they feel vulnerable and are in tears, the above comment can be read as rejection in a big
way. They have not yet achieved a settled identity and part of their emotions are
establishing who they are.
5. If you do that one more time, I’ll… OK, I will admit this
one can be acceptable. But only if you are prepared to actually do what you are
threatening them with and can legally carry it out. I am sick of hearing parents in
supermarkets threaten their children with empty threats. It generates something in me that
wants me to say, “If I hear you threaten that child one more time,
I’ll…” Hmm, maybe it’s a natural response, but an unacceptable one
nevertheless.
6. When you are older you will under-stand… Again, this one
has truth in it, but it isn’t accepted or understood by the majority of young people.
In some sense, it is an adolescent version of those words we vowed we would never say; but
invariably, it comes out at the end of a list of “Why?” questions. The typical
answer is, “Because, I said so.” “When you are older” also
doesn’t help the young person understand the argument.
7. Just you wait till Dad gets home… As a Dad this line just
sucks. It sets me up as the bad guy in a no win situation and usually results in a request
for discipline without adequate information. Either deal with the event as it happens or
tell me about it when I get home - just don’t announce that you decided to take the
“tell me” option.
8. You’re Useless... 9. If only you were more like your older
sister... 10. That’s quite good…for you!... and 11. You won’t manage to do
that...
These all fall into a similar category of negative words, when
they should be hearing words of affirmation. These words communicate dependency on
performance, when they should be receiving unconditional love.
12. Dad’s gone away for a few days… In this age of marriage
breakdown and parents splitting up, it is very difficult to communicate the facts to
children, whatever their age. However, lying or pretending are never valid options. As
hard as it will be, it is always better to tell the truth. Short-term gain for long-term
pain, or short-term pain for long- term gain. You know it makes sense!
Nigel is a father, youth worker & coach residing in
Australia. Coaching parents & teenagers in the game of life. Find out more [including
a free session] at www.teencoach.org
|
