 The
Shadow Side - Buried Truths - Part 1
By Kathy Jourdain by Chrysalis Performance Stategies Inc.
We are decidedly complex as human beings. As we have grown up, we have learned that
it is appropriate and okay to show some aspects of who we are to other people, and some
aspects of ourselves we have learned to keep hidden. We have become so good at hiding
parts of ourselves that we have even learned to keep things hidden from ourselves.
The part of ourselves we have hidden things from is our conscious
awareness. However, our unconscious mind continues to be aware, at some level, of what it
is we are trying to hide. This creates unconscious drivers of our behaviour. As we go
about our day-to-day business we may be blissfully unaware of what key drivers are
influencing our lives.
The problem with hiding things from ourselves is that they are only
partially hidden - both from ourselves and from others - no matter how successfully we
think we have kept the secret. For example, there are many people who walk around every
day unaware of how unhappy they are although some others can plainly see it. Personal
unhappiness becomes difficult to spot when you bury yourself in work or other activities.
However, our unconscious mind will try to find ways to surface the unhappiness.
At our core, we are really joyful, loving human beings. Our unconscious
mind wants us to return to that state and this is why it will create ways to draw to our
attention to those things we don’t wish to see or deal with.
For someone who is unhappy, it may show up in workaholism or in the use
of substances like alcohol or drugs. For others it could show up in extreme sports or
activities, always being driven to try the most outrageous things.
Another example of something we might keep hidden is not being true to
ourselves. Perhaps we are in a job that is not truly satisfying for us, or where we are
limiting our true potential. Our unconscious mind may find a way to cause us to lose the
job or to create circumstances in the job that are really frustrating in an attempt to
help us look for other opportunities.
Oftentimes, the things we have hidden from ourselves are plainly seen
by others. Sometimes our friends will very bluntly tell us what they see from their
perspective. If we listen, there is an opportunity here. If we don’t, our friends
will often stop trying to give us the message, because they are aware we are not ready to
hear what they have to say.
When others know something is wrong, if we are in denial about things,
all they have to go on is what they observe. They will know something is wrong but have no
information to steer them in the right direction if they want to help. As a coach, it is
often easy to know something is wrong and to have a general idea of what it might be. To
determine more specifically what is going on, it is necessary to ask questions and observe
the responses: verbal, tonal and physical.
Until we are ready to hear the answers we will not look for them. This
is the challenge. These things that we keep hidden from ourselves comprise our shadow
side. It is the shadow side simply because it influences, affects and even drives our
behaviour or circumstances in our life without us being aware of it. If we don’t know
what is driving our behaviour we are powerless to stop it. In fact, we will usually create
the same or similar circumstances over and over again until we are willing to look at
ourselves and resolve latent issues.
Many people will change jobs because of things that are going on in the
environment around them only to find that the same kinds of issues show up no matter where
they are. I have seen coaching clients resolve the issues in the job and lose the desire
or the need to move on - and when they do move on it is towards what they want instead of
away from an environment they don’t want.
The same kind of pattern appears in relationships. People will move
from one relationship to another only to find the same issues keep repeating themselves.
When things like this happen, it is the universe’s way of holding
a mirror up to us to say this is what we need to look at. In teaching interpersonal and
team communications, I often tell participants that if the same problems show up
repeatedly in the teams they are on, it’s time to stop blaming other team members or
the quality of people in the organization, and it’s time to start examining the
common thread - you!
What prevents us from examining what’s going on in our lives?
Fear. And many of the fears that stop our search are unfounded, although it is impossible
to know that at the outset.
The second part of this series: The Shadow Side: Fears That Keep It
Buried, will look at the types of fears that stop us from examining what’s going on
in our lives.
Kathy Jourdain is a Purpose & Leadership coach with Chrysalis
Performance Strategies Inc. Chrysalis’ focus on innovation & relevance leads to
lasting results for clients. Kathy can be reached at 902.865.7076 or through the web site
at www.TeamChrysalis.com
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