 The
Shadow Side - Fears That Keep It Buried - Part 2
By Kathy Jourdain of Chrysalis Performance Stategies Inc.
It was identified in “The Shadow Side: Buried Truths” that things we
try to keep hidden from ourselves and/or from others will often surface as unconscious
drivers of our behaviour and our choices. This is what we call self-sabotaging or, in some
cases, self-destructive behaviours or actions.
If these hidden truths can cause us so much grief, then why don’t
we just go surface them? Usually it is because we fear the unknown more. We go by the
adage, what we don’t know won’t hurt us and turn a blind eye or bury our head in
the sand. It’s like playing peek-a-boo with a baby. If they can’t see you, they
think you can’t see them. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The biggest perceived threats to examining what’s going on in our
lives is the fear that we won’t like what we find out about ourselves and that other
people won’t like us or will reject us if they find out these things about us.
Usually both of these things are unfounded. What we don’t like about ourselves is our
choices or our actions - and not all of them, just some of them. Because we don’t
like certain choices or actions, we make an assumption there must be something dark and
sinister within us that is fueling our actions.
For some people, bad things have happened to them. They’ve been
abused, molested or criticized at a young age. Even though logically they may know they
did not deserve to have this kind of thing happen, there is this illogical, emotional part
that often believes they must have done something to bring this on, that it was their
fault. They believe whatever it was that caused this behaviour in others also comes from
the dark and sinister side. We seem to make an assumption that the dark and sinister part
of us is the real part and the part of us that makes good choices, does good things and is
successful is the fraudulent part. If we expose the shadow side, that will only prove what
we think we’ve known all along. And once we do that, friends will desert us, family
will abandon us and colleagues will wonder how they could have been so deceived.
Okay. Let’s take a step back and get some perspective. First of
all, we have the dubious distinction of being human, which means that perfection includes
all the little glitches that go along with being human. You are familiar with the
expression, “it’s perfect just the way it is.” Well, so are you. Instead of
examining the faults in the material, what you want to look at is the overall effect,
including all the good things.
These little glitches make up the tapestry of our lives. When we look
at the individual threads, it is just a thread with it’s own texture and colour. We
really only understand the influence of this thread when we see it woven in the tapestry.
We can’t see the pattern when we are in the middle of the weaving. We only see it
when we step back and look at the picture. If that particular thread were not there, the
tapestry would be incomplete.
Babies are born pure and whole. Babies and young children are not at
fault for bad things that other people do to them. Yet many of these incidents shape adult
responses and concerns. This is when the shadow begins to form around the core of light
and purity that exists in each and every one of us. It is so precious we know it needs to
be protected, and with only a child’s knowledge, experience and awareness, we do
whatever we can to protect that core. As adults, because we don’t remember building
the protective mechanisms, we begin to believe the shadow we have created as protection is
actually the core.
It takes courage to decide to bore through the shadow to find the core.
You have to believe at some level it is there - even if it is purely an intellectual
belief to begin with. You have to believe it is worth the effort - or, more importantly,
that you are worth the effort. You have to believe that you will be better and content
once you have completed this journey.
There are natural points in life when our circle of friends shifts and
changes. Graduations, marriages, children, jobs and community all influence who is
actively in our circle of friends at any time. Making conscious changes in our lives is
another point when the circle will often shift. As you commence the journey through the
shadow, take a look around. How many of these people do you truly want to have in your
life? How many are supportive of you and help you focus on the things you have to be
grateful for? How many are negative influences? Sometimes shifting circles can be a good
thing.
You need to be at peace with the idea that some of the people around
you might leave. Most people will continue to be supportive, often more so when they know
more about what has helped shape who you are. Some of your relationships will actually
deepen once you feel free to show more of who you are.
For those people you want to keep in your life, wouldn’t they be
the kinds of people who would be supportive of you, no matter what they knew about you?
Think about some people you know and what you know about them. Does your opinion of them
change when they tell you something unsettling about themselves? Or do you have a deeper
respect for the life path knowing what you know?
I have heard the most incredible things about people. What astonishes
me is how much was not as bad as someone else’s story. Yet these things profoundly
impact our lives. With all of the things about their lives people have entrusted me with,
I have never once changed my opinion about people in a negative sense. Any shift has
usually been an increased admiration and respect for them and their successes, considering
all the challenges presented by the shadow side. The best way to bore through the shadow
is to just do it.
In The Shadow Side: Delving Into the Shadow, Part 3 of this series, we
will identify some strategies to examine the shadow once you have made the decision to
move through (or despite) the fear to get to the heart of who you really are.
Kathy Jourdain is a Purpose & Leadership coach with Chrysalis
Performance Strategies Inc. Chrysalis’ focus on innovation & relevance leads to
lasting results for clients. Kathy can be reached at 902.865.7076 or through the web site
at www.TeamChrysalis.com
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