 Finding & Keeping the Relationship You Want
- If It Wasn't Meant to Be - Part 3
By Peter Desrochers of Epicurean.com - Mar/Apr 04
The toughest decisions we make are deciding which bridges to cross and which
bridges to burn. Despite our best intentions, some great relationships turn mediocre or
downright bad. Why? Whose fault was it?
All relationships change, and change is really just another word for
stress. If you must lay blame for a failed relationship, then blame whoever did not accept
change or who reacted badly to the stresses you both encountered. If you are beyond that,
let us look at the four true relationship killers. All actions and all other feelings are
derivatives of these four pitfalls.
1) Boredom - It’s fun to learn new things about the man in your
life, but after you know him, can he still be as stimulating or as challenging over the
long-term? Are your interests and aspirations in fact similar or were they arbitrarily
extended for a while? As time goes on, we tend to ‘retract’ our interests back
to what they were originally. Do you still have a lot in common? Do mutual goals help you
overcome daily routines?
Sex in the early stages of a new relationship is usually an exciting
adventure. One of you may be a bit nervous or awkward as you discover each other, but
initial intimacy is quite thrilling. However, eventually that thrill is replaced with
comfort and familiarity. Yet, you still have to work on it or your love life eventually
becomes monotonous.
For some, the games of courtship and the rush from intellectual,
emotional or physical stimulation of a new relationship are addictive. Once things mature
and settle down, they are compelled to seek that rush again. The buzzword here is
‘commitment’.
2) Disappointment - Too often we turn our admiration of a person’s
qualities into admiration of the person. Then we become disappointed when our hero turns
out to be human. If a woman is a great teacher or a man is a great musician, then admire
her teachings or his music. Don’t unconditionally love the person and then become
upset to find she beats her children or he drinks too much.
We place on our partners unrealistic expectations that are formed from
what we want or expect them to do. We gauge our expectations when they are at their best,
doing their best. We expect them to behave like that all the time and are often surprised
and disappointed. Again, they really haven’t failed anybody; they were being true to
themselves and false only to the artificial image we had of them.
3) Anger - If attraction is indeed a reaction, so are anger and
rejection. His infidelity, her overspending, his overworking, her flirting, all evoke
reactions. As the proverb states, “You can no more call back the spoken word any more
than the speeding arrow.” So, what are appropriate reactions?
Obviously, if he cheated on you and you want out, you can indulge
yourself in a larger choice of reactions. If his sins are less extreme or if you do not
necessarily want to end the relationship, your choices become frustratingly more limited.
If you lose control of yourself, you will lose control of the
situation, your subsequent actions, his responses, and so on. In most cases, the best
reaction is a low-key reaction. That way you leave yourself additional options as you
learn more. Don’t worry, you can always get revenge later.
4) Hurt - Reflect on your most powerful and intimate relationship that
ultimately failed. From your perspective, why did it fail? Why did it hurt? From your
partner’s perspective, was it more or less painful? People often confuse hurt and
anger. You might feel anger ‘because’ you were hurt, but that is a different
matter. Filter out the anger and think of that powerful relationship once again.
The Romans believed that a great love never fades away; it dies hard.
Great things end all the time…a wonderful meal, a great movie, an intriguing book or
a vintage bottle of wine. We remember them with fondness. Why is it so different with a
great love? We don’t get angry at the bottle, the book, the movie or the meal. Could
it be a matter of hurt, pride or vanity? Could it be that the person decided he or she
could indeed go on without us?
In many cases, the predominating hurt comes from those desperate last
days and weeks. Everything we do is to save the relationship. Yet, all our best efforts
fail. We are driven by the fear of imminent loss. We become an unholy trio with our
partner and this third entity we perceive to be ‘the relationship’. If both
partners start feeding everything into this third entity, then they stop attending to each
other.
Throughout life we draw to us those experiences we need to help us
grow. Relationships most certainly fall into this category. If your relationship works for
you then enjoy it, relish it, work on it, help it flourish and have patience with it. If
it doesn’t, have the strength to let it go and the understanding to know why. Only
then will you be able to find one that does work.
Peter Desrochers is a leading authority on social issues,
protocol & etiquette. He is an award-winning lecturer on hospitality & culinary
arts, & conducts seminars on finding & developing relationships. Pete can be
reached at contact@petedesrochers.com
or www.theEpicurean.com
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