 Finding
& Keeping the Relationship You Want - So You Met Somebody New - Part 2
By Peter Desrochers of Epicurean.com
A fallacy of contemporary dating is that it is hardest beginning a new relationship. The
truth is that is when you are the most aware, the most self-conscious, the most
preoccupied, the most excited…you are the most alive! Personal needs are better
satisfied, be they emotional, social, intellectual, physical and/or spiritual. You are
exposed to new stimuli, new little adventures, and someone new to explore them with.
People confuse this initially charged state of being with fears and
expectations that soon arise. The first and most fragile expectation is, “I want
things to continue like this.” Unfortunately, they won’t. Relationships change,
just as we do. They evolve, they mature, they become closer or they eventually end. Each
of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the
gate of another through argument or emotional appeal. Change is stress. It may be good
stress, but it is stress nonetheless. Reality dictates that any real relationship is
destined to be at least somewhat stressful.
Next, there are expectations we put on our partners. Our egos tell us
we know our partner to the extent where we can expect what they will do. Yet, no one can
ever predict with certainty the actions of another. Thinking we can, we are often
surprised and disappointed. We think our partner has failed us. Yet, they really
haven’t failed anybody. They were being true to themselves and false only to the
artificial image we had of them.
In every relationship, both parties have rights. These rights may
include independence, identity, the right to be forgiven, the right to maintain
friendships outside the relationship, or the right to continue loving and caring for your
children. Every person will have slightly differing priority rights. Just remember, if you
are not prepared to grant a specific right to your partner, neither can you claim it as
one of your own.
We are the sum total of what has happened in our lives to this very
minute. We all have baggage, families, closet skeletons, and little idiosyncrasies.
Initially, ours are just as alien to our partner as theirs are to us.
We need to rely on some cornerstones to help us focus on each
other’s rights.
•Cornerstone One: Everyone at one time or another is touched by
the miracle of love. For some, love comes more easily, but we all have the right to pursue
it to the level of our own comfort and happiness. Do you really care for the person you
are seeing, or are you just glad to be in a relationship? Are either of you prone to
clichés such as, “I don’t have the time to do a relationship justice”,
“I don’t want to complicate my/your/our (choose one) lives” or “Been
there…done that”? If so, it is time to honestly look at what both of you really
want. If only one of you seeks commitment or love, to the distress of the other, then move
on and don’t deprive yourself of finding what you truly want.
•Cornerstone Two: Relationships have to be fair, not necessarily
even. Equality and fairness have absolutely nothing in common. Perhaps one of you is more
expressive and emotional than the other is. Perhaps one of you is a millionaire. Perhaps
one of you has children, while having a child of their own is extremely important to the
other. How can anyone possibly find fair ground by trying to find a solution exactly down
the middle? It may be a difficult pill to swallow, but if you push for ‘even’,
you won’t ever have a relationship that is fair to both of you. What is most
important to you and what are you prepared to compromise to achieve that?
•Cornerstone Three: Appreciating my own uniqueness doesn’t
lessen my respect and appreciation for my partner. Realize that somebody likes you for who
you are. Have the surety to go forward just being you. Conversely, allow him to be
himself; don’t try to change each other. People never change ‘for’ someone.
However, they will change ‘with’ someone. It’s called growing together. If
you have emotional fears or triggers, be frank about them and let your partner know so he
doesn’t inadvertently set one off. Assure him it’s safe to explain his triggers
to you.
•Cornerstone Four: One’s gain does not have to be
another’s loss. Empathy may be the most important quality in a relationship. Sympathy
and understanding are merely images of what you would do or feel if you were your partner.
Putting yourself in his shoes isn’t enough. What would you do if you were your
partner and actually thought like him? Now you can begin to understand another’s
sense of personal gain or loss.
Forgiving minor mistakes has to be a given. If truly no harm was
intended, then it was a mistake. Mistakes can be forgiven, but not unconditionally. What
have you learned about each other, and how have you both resolved not to repeat that
mistake again?
Finally, your greatest source of strength and stability must come from
within. Don’t blame your partner, other people, or circumstances for your actions.
You can choose your own actions, but you cannot choose the consequences of those actions.
Good or bad, those consequences will go far beyond what you anticipate.
Watch for more on relationships in part 3 of this series in the
March/April issue of RWM.
Peter Desrochers is a leading authority on social issues,
protocol & etiquette. He is an award-winning lecturer on hospitality & culinary
arts, & conducts seminars on finding & developing relationships. Pete can be
reached at contact@petedesrochers.com
or www.theEpicurean.com
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