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RISING WOMEN EXPERT
ADVICE...
I keep repeating the
same conflict with a close friend, and we just can’t seem to resolve it. How
do I get past this?
The success of a relationship is often determined by our ability to see each
step of our journey through both “I”s.
In relationship, there are three important energies - the two autonomous
individuals and the third energy (the relationship we are co-creating
together). When autonomy is our main focus, our sense of connection becomes
diminished. However, if we focus too much on the relationship, it can be at
the expense of our individual growth, and we may feel the urge to separate
or dominate. We are seeing through only one “I”.
Although this dance between autonomy and connection is more or less present
in all levels of relationship, the need to create balance is most pressing
in our close, personal connections. It is in these relationships that we see
our true measure - where we shine and where we have yet to heal. After all,
no one can lift us up or push our buttons like our closest friends!
When we are in conflict, it is a reflection of our need to ask ourselves
what we are really defending and why it is so important to win the other
person’s support. Is your conflict about agreements? Many agreements between
close friends are unspoken. We sometimes assume that because we are close,
we see things through the same lens. Having an open-hearted conversation may
help you open both “I”s and create a new shared understanding.
If this seems unattainable, you may be in a co-dependent relationship. Where
do you base your state of mind on the perceptions of others? Caring what a
person thinks is not the same as depending on them for validation or escape
from personal responsibility. In a co-dependent relationship, we look to the
other person to fill a need we are not meeting for ourselves. Such is the
human condition. We may feel unwilling or unable to respond to our own
needs. Try this simple exercise. Make a list of all of the characteristics
of a good friend. Now, for each item on that list ask, “Do I do that for
myself?” Where are you not meeting your own needs and depending on others to
“complete you”?
A healthy relationship that truly feeds us is one based on a genuine desire
to connect and grow together. In this sense, the best relationship is one of
shared gifts and is not based on what we get from one another. Each step you
take to offer yourself the same gifts you seek in friendship is a step
closer to a deeper connection with yourself and others.
Leia Gamache, owner of WhiteFire Coaching, offers personal &
professional coaching services dedicated to elevating relationships, career
& wellness. Contact Leia at 403.875.7594 or through
www.whitefirecoaching.org
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