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RISING WOMEN EXPERT
ADVICE...
If I am married, don’t I have the right to expect certain things from my
partner?
Wouldn’t it be great if relationships came with an instruction manual? If
they did, it would likely instruct you to leave your expectations at the
door.
The truth is that expectations are often not the best approach to
relationships and are usually born of a desire to control one another to
meet a particular need. In fact, we can often feel righteous in our
expectations when our needs are not being met.
Unfortunately, many couples end up with the underlying idea that they are
supposed to meet each others’ needs. If I am unwilling or feel unable to
earn an income that will allow me to live the lifestyle I want, I may come
to have the expectation that a partner will support me in some way. If they
don’t, I may feel entitled, angry or disillusioned. In the extreme, I may
even leave my partner and seek another who is more willing to be
co-dependent with me.
If I am unwilling or feel unable to meet my own sexual needs, I may likewise
assume that my partner will provide what is missing. I cannot think of a
clearer path to disempowerment.
A co-empowered relationship is one in which both individuals offer something
of value to each other -- of their own free will, and not because it is
expected. In this sense, they are able to create more pleasure inside their
relationship because everything they receive is a gift. Isn’t this the way
most of us feel at the beginning of a relationship, when we have been
accustomed to meeting our own needs?
Consider for a moment how much pleasure we feel when a gift is unexpected.
Now consider the disappointment of having expected a gift that was never
received.
If what you are seeking is a co-empowered relationship in which both of you
are having your needs met, try this simple exercise. Make a list of all of
the characteristics of your ideal partner. If you are in a relationship, try
not to compare this list to the partner you are already with. Remember, it
is your IDEAL list.
Once you have created your list, ask yourself (for each item), “Do I do this
for myself?” Be honest. For every “yes” you might ask, “How do I do this for
myself? When do I do this for myself?”
For every “no”, ask yourself “Why not?” After all, how much more amazing
would our relationships be if we provided ourselves with the gifts we seek
from others?
Leia Gamache, owner of WhiteFire Coaching, offers personal &
professional coaching services dedicated to elevating relationships, career
& wellness. Contact Leia at 403.875.7594 or through
www.whitefirecoaching.org
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